Published: November 25, 2009 02:05 pm      

Call dial-a-turkey and chances are I’ll answer

Mid-November means time for the annual Family Holiday Conference Call, in which we debate the age-old question: Aw, geez, what are we doing for Thanksgiving this year?

This year’s participants are (as usual) Mom, my sister Amy (mother of Deniece and Denephew), and yours truly. Also as usual, my brother P.D. and sister Vicky know enough to be busy during conference call time.

We join the gang right after Amy has spent a half-hour explaining to Mom how to activate the “conference” feature on her telephone. Hey, 30 minutes is pretty good for someone who was still on a party line not that long ago.

Amy: All right, are we all here?

Mike: Here.

Mom: Hello?

Amy: Mom, can you hear us?

Mom: P.D.?

Amy: OK, she can hear something.

Mom: I think I have a call coming in. Hello? P.D.? Is that you?

Mike: (Unprintable.)

Amy: MOM! It’s Mike and Amy. We need to talk about Thanksgiving.

Mom: Thanksgiving is at Amy’s this year. I know I don’t want it here.

Mike: (Unprintable.)

Mom: Amy? I think P.D. just called but I couldn’t hear him very well.

Mike: MOM!

Mom: Oh, hi, Mike. Amy wants to talk to you about Thanksgiving.

Amy: (Unprintable).

Mike: (Sighing) OK, Mom. I just ordered the turkey. It’s a heritage breed raised on a special farm out in Kansas. It’ll be about 20 pounds.

Mom: Heritage?

Mike: Heritage — a breed that was close to being lost because of the way turkeys have been ruined by selective inbreeding to make them all white meat and no flavor. This is a turkey that tastes like turkey.

Mom: I don’t like turkey.

Amy: You don’t have to eat it, Mom. Where did you get it?

Mike: Ordered it online. Pretty expensive, too. It’s going to cost (price withheld due to embarrassment at spending so much on something that’s just going to become leftovers.)

Mom: For a turkey? I don’t even like turkey.

Mike: Maybe you’ll like this one.

Mom: I doubt it.

Amy: OK, so Mike can do the turkey, I’ll do sides, and we can all do a dessert.

Mom: Did you hear how much he paid for that turkey?

Amy: Yes, and that’s his business. I’ve wanted to get a Heritage turkey but I’ve always put it off.

Mike: Why?

Amy: Because I figured you’d buy one first and then I’d know if it was worth it.

Mom: No turkey is worth (price withheld, but it was a doozy).

Mike: You want me to do gravy and dressing, too?

Amy: Yes. Although I’ll probably roast a small turkey because I saw this recipe I wanted to try.

Mike: Wait a minute. You’re doing a turkey, too?

Amy: A small one.

Mike: (Extremely unprintable.)

Mom: See why I don’t like turkey?

Mike: (Darkly) All right. Whatever. What time?

Amy: Well, the way you’re acting maybe we should just have our own Thanksgivings. I hope you can eat 20 pounds of turkey, you big jerk.

Mom: We’re not having separate Thanksgivings. That’s just silly.

Mike: OK, OK. I have an idea. We can have two turkeys, the sides, the desserts, everything. We’ll just ...

Amy: I’m way ahead of you. We’ll have Thanksgiving at Mom’s! (Singing) Over the river and through the woods ...

Mike: Be sure to tell P.D. and Vicky. Gotta go. Bye!

Amy: Bye!

Mom: (Unprintable.)

© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.