Published: August 04, 2009 02:51 pm      

Is the caller there? Too bad for him

And welcome back to “Stuff That Makes Me Grouchy,” the radio show where you, the listener, get to sound off about — well, about stuff that makes you grouchy. Is the caller there? Bob from Etna Green, you’re on.

Uh. Hi. Um.

Same to you, Bob. So tell me Bob, what’s making you grouchy?

Um. Well. Um. See, there’s these guys and they, um ...

Put it in gear, Bob.

Right. OK. See, there’s these guys who ride their bicycles in the wrong lanes so they’re coming right at you and ...

Bike salmon, Bob. Those are bike salmon, riding upstream. Know how you deal with them? Same way you deal with pedestrians who cross in the middle of the block. Just keep driving like you would if they weren’t there. One way or another, they’ll get the message.

And then the people who don’t signal turns until they get right up to the intersection ...

One to a customer, Bob. Next caller?

Hi, this is Bob from Logansport. Long-time listener, first- time caller.

Hi, Bob. And what’s making you grouchy today?

The media. It’s always saying ...

Take a hit from the clue bong, Bob. This is radio. This IS the media. Next, we have Bob from North Vernon.

Hi. Long-time caller, first-time listener. I get really grouchy when people show up in the 12 items or less line with way more than 12 items.

Got two words for you, Bob: “Cattle” and “Prod.” One zap for every item over 12 ought to do it. Let’s go to Bob from Kokomo.

OK, like, last night I heard that the Colts were, like, going to trade ...

Wrong show, Bob. Save that for “Blathering Until Dawn With Uninformed Opinions About Sports.” This is “Stuff That Makes Me Grouchy.”

Well, I’m grouchy now, you big jerk.

Nice talking to you, Bob. Let’s go to Bob from Avon. Bob, you’re on the air.

Hi. You know what makes me grouchy? 12-string guitars. And bagpipes. They’re never in tune. Oh, they get close once in a while, but that’s it. And when people start to play? Oh, my. Sounds like someone dropped a piano. Or a henhouse full of asthmatic chickens. And it makes me grouchy.

That’s a lot to get off your chest, Bob. Feel better?

Not really.

Good, glad to hear it. Is the caller there?

This is Bob from Kokomo again and I just want to say that you are a complete ...

Let’s go to the next caller. Bob from South Milford, are you there? What’s making you grouchy today?

How come hot dog buns come eight to a package but hot dogs are 10 to a package? Huh? Can anyone answer that?

Wow, Bob. You’re going to jangle a lot of nerves with that one. Look, the phones are lighting up already. Oh, wait. You can’t see. This is radio. Yes, caller?

This is Bob from Kokomo again and I just want to say that this is about the stupidest radio show I ever heard in my life.

Is it making you grouchy, Bob?

It sure is.

Then our work here is done. And that’s all the time we have for today, folks. Be sure to join us tomorrow for more “Stuff That Makes Me Grouchy.” I’m pretty sure we’ll be hearing from Bob.

© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.