Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

November 9, 2013

The scoop on ice cream

Hendricks County Flyer

---- — It’s the time of year for pumpkin-spice mania. It’s difficult to find anything that hasn’t been pumpkinized right now.

You can get pumpkin spice coffee, donuts, and candles. Sadly, you can also get pumpkin spice potato chips, pasta, vodka, beer, tea, and dog treats.

If you lived in Japan, you could get a Burger King pumpkin spice burger. Almost makes you want to move, doesn’t it?

This time of year, pumpkin spice moves to the forefront. It even beats out bacon as the top flavor—at least for a couple of months. I will allow bacon to take the backseat for a little while, but that’s it.

The thing that really gets me is that they always have to mess with the ice cream. Why do they always have to mess with the ice cream? I like pumpkin spice, and I love bacon, but I do not want either in my ice cream.

I remember a simpler time when ice cream came in three main flavors: vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. Once in a while, we would go a little crazy and have a Neapolitan; experiencing all three flavors at once.

Sure, Baskin Robbins boasted “31 flavors,” but let’s face it, 28 of them were just plain heinous concoctions that should never have existed.

Maybe I’m just a vanilla kind of girl. I like life to be simple. It bugs me when people start sticking chunks and oddities in my ice cream.

When I dig into a half gallon … I mean … a pint of ice cream, I want to know that nothing is going to come between me and rich, creamy goodness.

That being said, here are the top five most disgusting ice creams on the planet:

5. Beer ice cream — “Have your beer and eat it too” is the slogan of Frozen Pints that produces this offensive mess. It’s for those who want to throw up quickly.

4. Oyster ice cream — Again, you must travel to Japan for this tasty treat. You can use this to wash down your pumpkin burger from Burger King. Make sure you have a ride standing by to take you to the hospital for the impending coronary/stomach pumping.

3. Curry ice cream — It’s a spice used in Indian food. Please don’t try this at home.

2. Cicada ice cream — The cicada is a mind-numbingly hideous creature that pops out of the earth every 17 years and joins with his brethren to annoy the human populace for an entire summer. Someone, namely “Sparky” of Sparky’s Homemade Ice Cream, located in Missouri, thought it was a good idea to put it in ice cream. I thought this was the ultimate offense to creamy goodness, until I discovered:

1. Jelly Fish ice cream — It is actually not billed as jelly fish ice cream. It is glow in the dark ice cream. However, the process is achieved by using the fluorescent proteins found in jellyfish. The proteins interact with the tongue’s pH levels so the ice cream increases its luminescence the more it is licked.

Cool, right? There’s just one problem. It’s made with jelly fish proteins. You know what jelly fish are, right? I saw one in the water as a child and had nightmares for about 10 months. I have a problem even living on the same planet with jelly fish. And they want me to put them in my ice cream just so it will glow? And then they expect me to eat it?

Just when it couldn’t get any more insane, here’s the kicker: one scoop of the jelly fish, glow in the dark ice cream will cost you $225.

I’ll just let you try to digest that entire last paragraph. You might want to take some Tums.

After all that I’ve just reported, I don’t want to blow your mind here, but I’ve heard a rumor that pumpkin spice bacon is on the horizon.

Here’s a question to keep you up tonight: how long before they make pumpkin spice bacon that glows in the dark?

— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book, “What’s the Point?” available at booklocker.com. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.