Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

January 7, 2014

Dump apps for smartphones


Westside Flyer

---- — It’s time for everybody’s favorite game show! No, it is not “Wheel of Fortune.” No, not “Jeopardy.” No! It is not “The Price Is Right.”

Let me rephrase that intro: It’s time for that wacky, wild game show that most of you have never heard of! It’s “App or No App!” I will be your insufferable host.

Here’s how we play. I name an app that may or may not be real. If you think it is real, no matter where you are, scream out, “App!” If you think I made it up, you scream out, “No App!”

Are we ready? Are we pumped and excited? Okay! Let’s begin.

Today we are once again focusing on smart phone apps. Surely you have heard the witty saying, “I’ve got an app for that!” Sadly, most of the time it’s true, because there is truly an app for everything.

First up we have Electric Shaver. This app shows you a picture of a razor. Flip the switch and it begins to buzz and vibrate just like a real razor! Fun! Then you can rub it on your face and absolutely nothing will happen. Is this app real or not? Yell it out! Yes, you sitting there in Starbucks. Yell it out! App or no app?

Sadly, this app is real. If you have downloaded it and you are older than 7, turn in your phone. You do not deserve a smartphone because you are an imbecile.

Next up we have Hello Cow. This app is a picture of a sad looking cow staring at you. If you poke it, it moos. That’s pretty much it. You poke it, it moos. So what do you think? No matter where you are, yell it out! App or no app?

It’s real. Once again, if you have this app on your phone, you need to turn in your phone and then immediately find a new job or a hobby because you have way too much time on your hands.

Next we have iPoo. You know how sometimes you get bored when you are using a public restroom and just want to chat about it with other stall dwellers across the globe? Well now you can, thanks to iPoo. Yell it out, even if you are in a public restroom! App or no app?

Sadly this one is also real. If you have this app, don’t turn in your phone. Nobody wants to touch it, because you are nasty.

Lastly we have iLick. When you’re starving and just dying to have your favorite treat, what should you do? Bring up a picture of it on iLick then lick the phone until it is all gone, of course. What do you think? Yell it out! Yes, even you sitting there at work licking your phone! Yell it out. App or no app?

Yes, it is a real app. That’s just disturbing. Studies show that cell phones carry 10 times the bacteria of a toilet seat. That’s not surprising since people are apparently using their phones to iPoo chat.

That’s it, folks! The end of another exciting episode of App or No App!

Why were there no “no apps” in this episode? Because every time I thought I had made up an app, I Goggled it and found out the app was real; that includes Payphone Finder. I thought I had a winner there. Think about it; you can use your phone to find a payphone.

There truly is an app for everything.

— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and author of the book “What’s the Point?” available at booklocker.com. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.