Published: July 23, 2008 11:52 am            

The great American medicine show

 Well, we’ve got trouble, my friends. Right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. With a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for “PRESCRIPTION.” Friends, let me tell you what I mean.

The magical medicine show has rolled into town. The barker has climbed up on the soapbox and, in between wacky comedians and musical numbers, he guarantees a miraculous elixir that will cure all that ails you. Tired? He can fix it. Stressed? Got a drug for that. Hair falling out? Rub on some of this. Body parts drooping? Friends, have we got a pill for you (small print: may cause weight gain, fainting spells, liver damage, blindness, and uncontrolled diarrhea).

The historical medicine shows of the 19th Century sold bottled magic by providing a free show at town squares, on street corners, or wherever they could draw a crowd. During the show, they would occasionally stop to promote their miracle medicines.

Today the medicine show is much the same. Every day Americans are bombarded with drug ads. It seems that more than 90 percent of prime time commercials are produced by pharmaceutical companies promoting their latest “cure” for their latest made up “syndrome” or “dysfunction.” I’d wager they spend way more on marketing and advertising than on actual research and development.

The way I see it, somewhere right now there is a pharmaceutical company employee, let’s call him “Dave,” whose job it is to research new drugs. Dave does this by recycling old drugs. “Hey!” says Dave, “This drug was used to stop earwax build-up, but as a side effect, it causes excessive vomiting! So how about if we market it as a diet pill?” Of course, no one answers Dave because he is the only one in the room.

So Dave takes the drug and his new idea down the hall to “Steve.” Steve’s job is to come up with a new name for the drug. Steve does this by watching old Star Trek reruns. “Zybor!” says Steve as Captain Kirk battles an alien from Planet Zybor, and Steve heads off down the hall to the marketing department.

“Bob” is the head of marketing. Bob has a team of about 132 high-paid executives, designers, writers, and sycophants. Bob enjoys the great outdoors, especially rowboats. So every time Steve and Dave bring Bob a new drug to promote, Bob’s staff comes up with new and unique ideas for promoting the drug. Bob always shoots them down and says, “Nah, let’s just make a commercial with a rowboat.”

Next thing you know, you’re watching a commercial for “Zybor! The easiest way to lose weight!” And sure enough there’s an undernourished woman in a rowboat having the time of her life. She is happy and carefree because she has a taken a new drug. And as a side effect, she has no earwax.

Yeah, we got trouble. With a capital “T” and that rhymes with “D” and that stands for “DRUG.” So friends, when the medicine show rolls into your town, hide the kids and lock the doors. Don’t let Dave, Steve and Bob talk you into anything. It’s time to run them out of town.

— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer from Clayton. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.

        

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