By Rebecca Todd
— November is a month to give thanks. Following the tradition, I am continuing my month-long series on things that I am thankful for. This week: I am thankful that my Thanksgiving turkey will not be covered in bacon. Perhaps I should explain.
Earlier this year I wrote a column about bacon. Bacon is, as they say, "trending heavily" this year. I mentioned then that your life can be one big bacon-themed bonanza, and so can your death. That is because you can get bacon toothpaste, dental floss, mints, gumballs, shakes, soap, massage oil, vodka, popcorn, envelopes, sheets, jammies, and yes, a coffin painted like bacon and filled with bacon scented air-fresheners; I guess so that bacon-lovers can enjoy what killed them long into the afterlife.
It only makes sense then that this bacon-obsessed society would follow all that up by giving thanks for their compacted arteries by adding bacon to their Thanksgiving meal.
To get the scoop on all things bacon, I usually go right to the source: "Bacon Today; Daily News on the World of Sweet, Sweet Bacon." This wonderful website, found at bacontoday.com, has bacon news, bacon reviews, bacon recipes, and of course, a bacon gift shop. If you want to know how to die of a coronary in the quickest possible fashion, this is the place to be.
First and foremost on the Thanksgiving menu is a bacon-wrapped turkey. You may have seen pictures of it online as it is all the rage this year. One recipe I found suggested you begin by taking a half pound of bacon and a half pound of butter and put them in a blender with some spices to make a nice, bacon butter. Then you rub it all over the turkey. You know, because just wrapping the turkey in bacon might not kill you, so you need to go the extra mile.
Let's stop here a minute to discuss the many uses for bacon butter other than slathering it on a turkey. I can see the info-mercial now.
"Tired of having too much energy? Sick of that healthy glow? Well now your troubles are over! It's bacon butter! Slap it on a pancake. Put a dollop on your ice cream. You can even rub it on your skin and lay out in the sun to increase the aging process!
"Kids, are you tired of Mom making you eat healthy? Make those otherwise distasteful healthy foods better by mixing bacon butter in with your favorite yogurt or dipping your veggies in it. It's bacon butter!"
Where was I?
Oh, right. After you slather your bird with bacon butter, you weave a quilt of bacon around the turkey. Then throw it in the oven, all nice and snug, until it sweats grease; kind of like you will after you eat it.
Now for dessert: bacon pumpkin pie. That's right. If your bacon turkey isn't enough, you need to add bacon to your pumpkin pie. The recipe also calls for shortening; just to finish you off quicker.
Don't feel bad, bacon lovers. You will probably die after your Thanksgiving dinner, but just remember, you can be buried in that bacon coffin. And I'm just guessing, but the way things are going, you will probably soon be able to have yourself smoked and cured before you're interred.
Me, however? My turkey will not be covered in bacon. And for that I am thankful.
- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book "What's the Point," available at booklocker.com. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.