Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

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February 26, 2013

Applying for pope

As a Roman Catholic male, I am eligible to become Pope.

Granted, it's something of a long shot, but just in case, I have prepared my application:

"Howdy do, Buongiorno and Dominus Vobiscum from Indianapolis, Indiana, home of the world's greatest automobile race and, should the white smoke puff in my favor, the next Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.

"I'd like to state my case for papal office. As you can see from my resume, I am currently a free-lance writer, part-time farmer, and adjunct professor. This means I have plenty of spare time which I would gladly apply to Popeing. Popeitude. Being Pope.

"You can also see that I have been something of a 'free spirit' in my life, owing to a background in music, which I believe will bring a certain New World aesthetic to the leadership of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics, to wit:

"A. Papal Wardrobe - Let's get rid of the ermine and jewels and go for something practical. I'm thinking bowling shirts with names over the pockets. Imagine how many hungry people we could feed, clothe, house, and comfort with the money we'd save (and the fortune we'd get selling the old duds on Ebay).

"B. Speaking of Old Duds - It's time we got some younger people in the church hierarchy. By younger, I mean "less than the College of Cardinals' current average age of 72.' A few wild and crazy 68-year-olds could really liven up the joint.

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