Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

Commentary

October 4, 2012

Some things get better with age ... and some don't

One of the life lessons I am slow to process in these, my "experienced" years, is that I simply cannot eat the way I did when I was younger.

Oh, I can still use a fork and knife and all that, but what I can use them on is another matter entirely. The cast-iron constitution of my youth, those heady days of foot-long hot dogs, giant pepperoni pizzas, and peanut-butter-and-dill-pickle sandwiches, has given way to a digestive system that has become - to use a word that has been applied to me a grand total of Oh, Never - delicate. And to add a word that has been applied to me a grand total of Too Many Times To Count, cranky.

Let me give you an example.

The other night, I ordered the evening meal at the drive up window of a certain "restaurant" with a name that evokes a place where kings and queens live. It rhymes with Slight Hassle.

Yes. I bought a bag of sliders. Gut bombs. Depth charges.

I was going to say I did this against my better judgment, but who are we kidding? I don't have any better judgment. What the heck. It seemed like a fun thing to do.

Soon I was sitting at the dining room table, my loyal dog Cookie at my side. And no, I did not share. While I usually give Cookie a taste of whatever I'm having, I know better than to let her have Whi ... I mean, Slight Hassles. She's a gassy dog to begin with. Sliders mixed with regular doggy air biscuits would be disastrous.

Several hours later I was awakened from a sound sleep by a sensation that we can charitably describe as "uncomfortable." Or maybe it would be more accurate to say "overinflated." I felt like I'd swallowed the Hindenburg.

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