Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

Breaking News

Commentary

October 4, 2012

Some things get better with age ... and some don't

One of the life lessons I am slow to process in these, my "experienced" years, is that I simply cannot eat the way I did when I was younger.

Oh, I can still use a fork and knife and all that, but what I can use them on is another matter entirely. The cast-iron constitution of my youth, those heady days of foot-long hot dogs, giant pepperoni pizzas, and peanut-butter-and-dill-pickle sandwiches, has given way to a digestive system that has become - to use a word that has been applied to me a grand total of Oh, Never - delicate. And to add a word that has been applied to me a grand total of Too Many Times To Count, cranky.

Let me give you an example.

The other night, I ordered the evening meal at the drive up window of a certain "restaurant" with a name that evokes a place where kings and queens live. It rhymes with Slight Hassle.

Yes. I bought a bag of sliders. Gut bombs. Depth charges.

I was going to say I did this against my better judgment, but who are we kidding? I don't have any better judgment. What the heck. It seemed like a fun thing to do.

Soon I was sitting at the dining room table, my loyal dog Cookie at my side. And no, I did not share. While I usually give Cookie a taste of whatever I'm having, I know better than to let her have Whi ... I mean, Slight Hassles. She's a gassy dog to begin with. Sliders mixed with regular doggy air biscuits would be disastrous.

Several hours later I was awakened from a sound sleep by a sensation that we can charitably describe as "uncomfortable." Or maybe it would be more accurate to say "overinflated." I felt like I'd swallowed the Hindenburg.

Text Only
Commentary
  • Trick or treating already? |So there I was, wheeling my cart merrily through the grocery store, whistling while I went on a search for enchilada sauce, when I rounded a turn at the end of an aisle and found myself face-to-face with … A wall of candy. Halloween candy. In Augu

    August 18, 2014

  • Trick or treating already? |So there I was, wheeling my cart merrily through the grocery store, whistling while I went on a search for enchilada sauce, when I rounded a turn at the end of an aisle and found myself face-to-face with … A wall of candy. Halloween candy. In Augu

    August 18, 2014

  • The Ferguson melodrama |Even if the police in Ferguson, Mo., are the brutal occupying force alleged by the protesters there, what do local shop owners have to do with it? In the wake of the police shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown in disputed circumstances, rioters bur

    August 18, 2014

  • The Ferguson melodrama |Even if the police in Ferguson, Mo., are the brutal occupying force alleged by the protesters there, what do local shop owners have to do with it? In the wake of the police shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown in disputed circumstances, rioters bur

    August 18, 2014

  • Debate filled with 'hate' gives Hamas a pass |One of the worst things about our “divisive” political culture is that we’re wearing out words. We use some of them so constantly that they’ve lost their power. To paraphrase Nigel Tufnel of “This is Spinal Tap,” we’ve turned them up to 11 and kept

    August 18, 2014

  • The seven Facebook friends everyone has |Recently, I was told that I’m behind the times because I’m still on Facebook. Just five years ago, I was told I was behind the times because I wasn’t on Facebook. The new “it” social media apps are Instagram, Twitter and a thousand other apps that I

    August 14, 2014

  • A hell of a diplomatic foray |If an Israeli high-level official were caught on a hot mic candidly commenting on Secretary of State John Kerry's ill-fated act of Israel-Hamas peacemaking, he might call it "a hell of a diplomatic foray." Kerry was caught sarcastically describing t

    July 30, 2014

  • Adopting Indiana? Or a 'deadbeat parent'? This past week we’ve learned that the State of Indiana has essentially stiffed 1,400 families who have adopted special needs children. The subsidies they were promised to raise kids in the state’s foster child program have been denied, prompting one

    July 12, 2014

  • Chicago's shooting spree |For most of the country, July Fourth weekend means hot dogs, fireworks and relaxing time with family. In certain neighborhoods in Chicago, it means something very different. For the second year running, Chicago saw a spate of violence over the long

    July 10, 2014

  • Financial hardships mount for military families |Days before the July 4th holiday, Holly Petraeus stood on the steps of the imposing Indiana War Memorial, in front of a bank of cameras, and made a plea to military families: Don’t let pride stand in the way of asking for help. It was a striking mes

    July 7, 2014

House Ads
Hendricks County Marquee
Email News Sign Up
Facebook
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter
Poll

Are you worried about the violence in Ferguson, Mo., spreading across the country?

Yes
No
Not concerned one way or the other
     View Results
AP Video
Raw: Grief After Deadly Airstrikes in Gaza Officer Who Pointed Gun at Protesters Suspended Kathy Griffin Challenges Minaj to 'a Booty Off' Johnson: Six Arrests, No Tear Gas in Ferguson Raw: Rescue, Relief Efforts at Japan Landslide Cadavers, a Teen, and a Medical School Dream Raw: Woman Escorted From Ferguson Protests California Drought Stings Honeybees, Beekeepers Officer Who Pointed Gun at Protesters Suspended Holder Hopes to Bring Calm to Ferguson US Mission to Rescue Hostages in Syria Failed Manfred, Torre and MLB Take Ice Bucket Challenge Bank of America Reaches Record $17B Settlement Holder Reassures Ferguson Community With Visit GlobalPost CEO Remembers Foley As a Brave Man
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Must Read