Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

April 26, 2013

What day is today?

By Rebecca Todd

— Good news! April 27 is “Tell A Story Day,” and that’s today. Boy, are you in for a treat. Ready? Here we go.

Once upon a time, there was a group of people that got together and decided that our country simply did not have enough holidays. They put their heads together and decided to form a very scary thing called a “committee.”

Webster’s defines a committee thusly: “a body of persons delegated to consider, investigate, take action on, or report on some matter.” While that is accurate, it is not the whole story. You see, what a committee also does is takes the matter and manipulates it, bends it, twists it, wrenches it and mutates it until it becomes at least 20 times more complicated than it was when they began. To wit, a quote from Sir Alec Issigonis: “A camel is a race horse designed by a committee.”

Nevertheless, the committee was formed and they created a movement that would promote not only the commonly known holidays such as Christmas and Easter, but would also push some of the smaller holidays to grow.

Their plan worked and soon Halloween, Labor Day, Memorial Day, July 4th, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and Valentines Day were becoming just as commercialized as Christmas and Easter. People were buying cards, putting up decorations, cooking large meals and spending hundreds of dollars for every holiday.

Well, the little committee was very happy, as you could imagine, so they decided to push things further. Soon they were developing new holidays like Kissing Day, Sweetheart Day, Secretary Day, Boss’s Day and Grandparents Day. The public responded by spending more money.

The committee was ecstatic. So they did what demented committees flushed with arrogance and power usually do; they expanded. With this expansion came a flood of new ideas to push the country’s holidays to all new heights and, of course, beyond all boundaries of human sanity; especially when they were hungry.

“Let’s have jelly bean day!” shouted one committee member. It’s now held on April 22.

“I vote for pancake day!” drooled another. It’s now held on February 5.

“Pigs in a blanket day!” shouted Kevin. It’s now held on April 24.

“Crown Roast of Pork Day!” yelled Marsha. It’s now held on March 7.

“Zucchini Day!” screamed Phyllis.

Phyllis was promptly stripped of her membership and booted out of the meeting. But the committee did decide to make August 8 “Leave a zucchini on your neighbor’s porch day” in her honor. Phyllis gets a lot of zucchini on August 8, so everything turned out okay.

By the time the committee was done, they had completely gone insane with power and butchered the calendar with their so-called holidays. Every day now has at least one special meaning. Some have as many as seven. And don’t even get me started on the special weeks and months.

It got ugly in the end. The committee began to turn on each other. Kevin wanted May 11 to be “Twilight Zone Day,” and Marsha wanted it to be “Eat What You Want Day.” There was an ugly confrontation. Sadly, Kevin and Marsha are no longer welcome at the committee meetings or at the Cracker Barrel in Corbon, Kentucky where the meeting was held that night.

Unfortunately, the committee lives on. Today, for example, is not only “Tell A Story Day,” it is also “Babe Ruth Day” and “National Prime Rib Day.”

Play a little baseball; eat a nice prime rib dinner. The story is told.

- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book “What’s the Point?” available on booklocker.com. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.