Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN


March 1, 2013

Once upon a time, at the movies ...

Lately I've noticed a disturbing trend in major motion pictures. No, I don't mean the extreme violence that is no doubt destroying the cerebral cortex of all who view them, making them do strange and disturbing things. No, I am not referring to the super hero movies that are no doubt destroying their Amygdala making viewers do strange and disturbing things. No, I don't mean found footage movies that are no doubt destroying viewer's hippocampus.

I don't know what a hippocampus is. It sounds like a college for large animals, but I am assured by many medical specialists that it is an integral part of the brain, and these movies are turning it to into apricot jelly.

And I don't mean "Twilight" knock-offs, although Lord knows the originals were bad enough to make all the vital organs in the body just want to simultaneously shut down.

I'm talking about the knock-down, drag-out, shoot 'em up, yippie-ki-yay revamping of children's fairy tales.

Take for example, "Hansel and Gretel-Witch Hunters." We all know the story of "Hansel & Gretel." Understandably, the pair is a little off-kilter after their harrowing experience. But in this version of the story, they grow up with a hunger for vengeance and become witch bounty hunters, blowing away witches and kicking evil butt. Yippie-ki-yay.

Next up: "Jack the Giant Slayer," the retelling of "Jack and the Beanstalk." I never liked the original story. Even as a kid, Jack kind of seemed like an idiot to me. But in this version, Jack doesn't just pick up a couple of trinkets on his journey; he resurrects an ancient war between humans and giants. Time to kick some evil giant butt; yippie-ki-yay.

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