Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

Commentary

June 14, 2013

Attack of the heinous humanoids

(Continued)

Scenario number one: You’re visiting a strange city and somehow end up in a seedy part of town. You’re approached from behind by a nefarious character. “Give me all your money, punk,” he demands. (Note: this is probably not what he would say unless he was in a 1950s gangster move. However, this column is PG-rated). Then, surprise! You inject your stinger which makes him curl up on the sidewalk in the fetal position, swollen with an allergic reaction, until he is able to crawl to a pharmacy and steal some Benadryl.

Scenario number two: It’s girls’ night and you are out with some girlfriends enjoying some “time for yourself,” because you read in Cosmo that you need it. You have just ordered a large platter of greasy appetizers for the table when a seedy biker with greasy hair saunters up and says, “You got to me, baby,” (Because he is Marlon Brando in “The Wild One”). But you are equipped with the digestive system of a fly, so you retch on your platter of appetizers and begin to slurp it up. Exit seedy biker boy and problem solved.

See how handy these abilities could be? Let’s not even talk about how cool it would be to be able to fight back when we’re attacked by mosquitoes. Wouldn’t it be great to have the ability to bite back? I picture a huge face-off in Florida where the mosquitoes range in size from, “Ow, I think I’ve been shot!” to, “Isn’t that little Jimmy being carried off by a pterodactyl?”

There is a possibility that I am just fed up with bugs, and I just want to be done with the eternal battle.

Of course, there is also always a very real possibility that I have been watching way too many old movies.

— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book, “What’s the Point?” available at booklocker.com. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.

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