Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

June 14, 2013

Attack of the heinous humanoids

By Rebecca Todd
CNHI

— Word on the street and in the media is that it will be a really bad summer for mosquitoes. Or should I say, it will be a really bad summer for humans, because it will be a great year for thirsty mosquitoes.

It’s funny how this is making the news, because as far back as I can remember, and it’s none of your business how far back that is, mosquitoes torture humans every summer. There has never been a year when I thought, “Gee; I haven’t been bitten by a mosquito for a while. Wonder where they all are?”

I write a lot about bugs. That is mainly because I question why they exist. Is it some kind of practical joke God decided to play on us? We all know He has a sense of humor. All it takes is a trip to Walmart on a Saturday night to believe that it’s true.

I suppose it’s the whole circle of life thing that inspired their existence. Many animals eat insects. Insects move pollen from place to place.

I just want to know why they all have to be so vicious. Moreover, I really want to know why humans weren’t equipped with built-in self-defense mechanisms like insects.

Remember all the old movies where insects grew to enormous sizes and tried to take over the earth? Wouldn’t it be great if those lowly humans had the same kind of powers as the enormous insects? That would at least have been a much better movie.

Think about it. Insects have so many ways to protect themselves that would be incredibly useful for the human race. Stingers, venomous bites, the ability to rip each other’s heads off and sheer hideousness; all of these things could come in handy for us lowly humans.

Scenario number one: You’re visiting a strange city and somehow end up in a seedy part of town. You’re approached from behind by a nefarious character. “Give me all your money, punk,” he demands. (Note: this is probably not what he would say unless he was in a 1950s gangster move. However, this column is PG-rated). Then, surprise! You inject your stinger which makes him curl up on the sidewalk in the fetal position, swollen with an allergic reaction, until he is able to crawl to a pharmacy and steal some Benadryl.

Scenario number two: It’s girls’ night and you are out with some girlfriends enjoying some “time for yourself,” because you read in Cosmo that you need it. You have just ordered a large platter of greasy appetizers for the table when a seedy biker with greasy hair saunters up and says, “You got to me, baby,” (Because he is Marlon Brando in “The Wild One”). But you are equipped with the digestive system of a fly, so you retch on your platter of appetizers and begin to slurp it up. Exit seedy biker boy and problem solved.

See how handy these abilities could be? Let’s not even talk about how cool it would be to be able to fight back when we’re attacked by mosquitoes. Wouldn’t it be great to have the ability to bite back? I picture a huge face-off in Florida where the mosquitoes range in size from, “Ow, I think I’ve been shot!” to, “Isn’t that little Jimmy being carried off by a pterodactyl?”

There is a possibility that I am just fed up with bugs, and I just want to be done with the eternal battle.

Of course, there is also always a very real possibility that I have been watching way too many old movies.

— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book, “What’s the Point?” available at booklocker.com. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.