By Rebecca Todd
— I’ve dedicated several columns to all things bacon. Who can blame me, really? Bacon is all salty, sweet, smokey, greasy goodness.
Don’t judge me! Admit it. There’s nothing better than waking up in the morning and smelling bacon frying. What can I say? Some girls like diamonds. I’m all about the bacon.
Like all things tasty and good, bacon is hideously bad for you. Side effects of eating bacon include skin problems, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer and obesity. Ask your doctor if bacon is right for you. He will say no.
Nevertheless, many people, including yours truly, cannot give up their bacon. I would eat a juniper beetle if it was wrapped in bacon.
According to a study conducted at the Scripps Research Institute in Jupiter, Fla., (no doubt government funded) bacon may be as addictive as cocaine and heroin. They discovered this by using rats. Scientists always use rats, because as we all know, rats are relatively close in stature and intelligence to humans.
In the study, rats that were fed only bacon and other fatty foods began to eat compulsively, gorging themselves and becoming solely focused on food. The rats also exhibited brain changes similar to those seen in rats that were given unlimited access to cocaine. Rats in both cases would even ignore punishment to keep consuming their addiction, which to me proves that rats are pretty stupid, but makes the scientists think they’ve stumbled onto some kind of life altering factoid that will make earth’s entire population come to a stand still.
But in a way, bacon addiction seems like it could be a reality. Websites such as baconfreak.com, royalbaconsociety.com, bacontoday.com, republicofbacon.com and ilovebacon.com dominate the Internet. It must be all the bacon addicts at work. Think about it; they publish bacon recipes, people try the recipes, they become addicted, then the bacon industry flourishes and before long, there is an epidemic.
You can’t ignore the fact that bacon addiction has been rampant in recent years. You can get bacon flavored ice cream sundaes, shakes, donuts, gum, candy, envelopes, dental floss and Diet Coke. There are bacon wallets, shoes, bandages, sheets, toothpicks and toilet paper. People are throwing bacon parties! Bacon addiction is out of control.
It won’t be long before we’ll see the addicts on the streets with “will work for bacon” signs. There will be bacon pushers trying to get our kids to eat bacon in the school yards and underground bacon cartels. And of course, all the bacon-addicted rats will become out of control. You’ll see children wrestling with rats over bacon strips. It will be a bacon apocalypse.
But then again, I’m thinking a bacon party sounds like a lot of fun. I could serve bacon wrapped scallops and bacon wrapped filets. I could make hors d’oeuvres like bacon tarts and caramelized bacon. Cocktails will include bacon vodka and martinis with bacon wrapped olives! We could all wear bacon dresses and bacon ties! I’m so excited!
Uh oh. I think I might have a problem.
— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book “What’s the Point?” available at booklocker.com. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.