By Rebecca Todd
— Every year you hear people saying, “If only it would get cold enough and snow enough in the winter. Then we wouldn’t have so many bugs.”
Well I have to tell you, these people are full of bull pucky. It was cold enough and we had plenty of snow this past winter, in my opinion, and the bugs are already out of control. Bees, wasps, gnats, flies, mosquitoes, centipedes and spiders are running rampant.
I know what some of you smarmy people are thinking. A spider is not an insect. It’s an arachnid. Well, hah! I didn’t say insect. I said bug. If it has several legs and crawls uninvited into my house, it bugs me. As do people who say things like that, so arachnid off.
Thankfully, the United Nations has devised a plan to end the bug problem and simultaneously cure world hunger. Even those of you who are still smarting over the whole arachnid business can probably figure out where this is going. That’s right; the powers that be are suggesting that we simply eat them.
The United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization recently released a paper titled “Edible Insects: Future Prospects for Food and Feed Security.” The paper essentially argues that A) insects pack a lot of protein; B) starving people should eat them; C) all governments should encourage insect eating; and D) bugs are less flatulent than cows.
Yes, not only will eating bugs get rid of the bug problem and cure world hunger, according to the paper, it is also good for the environment!
The U.N. is really pulling out all stops to persuade people to think that this is a good idea. They even say something to the effect of, “Hey, the people that live in a village in the Tukanoan jungle in Colombia eat insects. Why can’t the rest of us?”
It’s enough to convince anybody, isn’t it? Enough to convince anybody that the people at the U.N. need to be relieved of their positions immediately. Is this why the U.N. was established? To convince people to eat bugs? For some reason I thought they were supposed to maintain peace and security. Aren’t we all lucky that they decided to take a break from that to draft a paper on eating bugs. Lord knows it makes me feel safe.
Let me just put it this way: I stomped a giant centipede at work today. It was running rampant in my office. It was about as big as my shoe and quite frankly, it fought back a little when I tried to put my foot down. When the battle was won, I looked at the goo on the floor and my shoe. I grabbed a wet paper towel and cleaned up the mess. Not once during the process did it whet my appetite. Never did it occur to me that it would be a good idea to just spread a little of the bug carcass on a cracker and have a snack.
Here’s my proposal. I would like to get together with a few of my less squeamish friends and prepare a banquet for the folks at the U.N. There are enough ants, mosquitoes, centipedes, flies and bees around my yard right now to make a veritable smorgasbord for several people. However, the United Nations has thousands of employees. I’m going to need a little help. We are going to need a lot of people killing, sautéing and fricasseeing a lot of bugs.
Who’s with me?
— Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer, bug hater and author of the book “What’s the Point?” Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.