By Rebecca Todd
— Today I got a call from the local middle school. It seems the school didn't appreciate my young, teen daughter's fashion sense. Apparently those holey jeans that are so popular with kids are not so popular with school officials. It's nice to know that my daughter is fashion conscious. And now she has her first "wardrobe malfunction" to prove it.
Alas, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for fashion.
The term "wardrobe malfunction" was coined by Janet Jackson's publicists after her costume "accidentally" revealed one of her breasts during the 2004 Super Bowl half-time show. Now it's the in thing. All the top celebrities are doing it. Studies have shown that the top phrase in Hollywood in 2012 was, "Oops, my breast just popped out."
Did you eve hear the phrase, "There's no such thing as bad publicity?" It seems some celebrities live by the idea. Take for example a certain young lady who used to have a top Disney Channel show, then tried to make it as an adult actress but started to crack under the pressure. I wouldn't want to name any names (Miley Cyrus). The young star was falling out of the limelight, so opted instead to fall out of her dress at the Grammys where she was heard to utter, "Oops, my breast just popped out." It must have gone well for her because since then, she has been falling out at every opportunity.
Here are my issues with the wardrobe malfunction: These women pay thousands of dollars for their clothing. They have famous designers making clothes just for them. They employ stylists and publicists to make them look good. They actually have people to tape their dresses to their breasts. They go to glamorous events where they know that thousands of cameras will be trained on them. Then suddenly, in the midst of a big moment, their wardrobe shifts, rips, and/or falls off.
I buy off the rack at discount prices and dress myself every day. You would think I would be the most likely to have a wardrobe malfunction, but the closest I've ever come is when a button popped off my blouse. Even then I had enough sense to carry a needle and thread with me. Never in my life have I uttered the phrase, "Oops, my breast just popped out." Call me crazy, but I'm actually kind of proud of that fact.
In the last couple of years the term "wardrobe malfunction" has expanded to not just include those "oops" moments, but to also cover things like too sheer fabrics and those unfortunate, "I'm wearing a short dress and trying to get out of a car but forgot to put on underwear photos."
Let's be honest here. This is not a wardrobe malfunction. In fact, none of the Hollywood "oops" moments are wardrobe malfunctions. These moments are all people malfunctions.
Let's face it, ladies, you A. should have worn a bra; B. should have worn underwear; and/or C. should have bought clothing that covered your body or hired people that have a clue. In short, you are a moron, as is every designer, stylist, publicist, breast taper, etc. that you have hired. Stop blaming the clothes.
And as for my daughter? The jeans are being retired. Alas, yet another fashion sacrifice.
- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and author of the book "What's the Point?" available at booklocker.com. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.