Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

Breaking News

Commentary

February 15, 2013

This sandwich is sub-standard

Nothing annoys me more than a poorly written, peppy commercial jingle that has a tendency to get stuck in your head. Actually, a lot of things annoy me more, but I didn't want to bother you with a list where commercial jingles fall somewhere between cat pictures with captions like, "I iz cute!" and that little animated phlegm guy on the Mucinex commercials. So for the sake of this article, let's just say the jingles annoy me the most.

In fact, the jingles annoy me so much that I swore off Subway sandwiches several years ago when they started the "Five Dollar Foot Long" jingle. Also, I think their food is disgusting, with very little meat (that is tasteless anyway so it doesn't matter that much), slimy vegetables, too much mayonnaise and soggy bread. So in hindsight, it wasn't that hard to swear off of the stuff. But I digress.

It was the jingle that was the final straw. It repeats the phrase, "Five--Five Dollar--Five Dollar Foot-looooooong!" over and over for thirty seconds; just long enough for it to eat it's way into your brain so that 3 hours later while you're sitting at your desk trying to get some work done, you find yourself humming the peppy tune while you compulsively type, "Five-Five Dollar-Five Dollar Footlooooooong!" over and over and over. Then you stand like a zombie and slowly stagger down the road to the nearest Subway and order a slimy foot-long sandwich with approximately .5 ounces of tasteless meat and 6 ounces of mayonnaise.

So I guess you could say the commercial works. However, now Subway is under scrutiny because it seems those so-called "foot-longs" are not. A few weeks ago, an Australian teen measured his "foot-long" Subway sandwich and posted a picture online showing it to be only 11 inches long. The photo went viral, (Note: The phrase "going viral" also annoys me - it falls a little below the Mucinex guy on my list), and people across the country started measuring their Subway foot-longs. This being America, they did what Americans do and saw dollar signs. They filed lawsuits seeking damages over the missing inch. For example, one man in New Jersey is seeking nearly $5 million in damages. Apparently they called in several high level mathematicians to calculate a formula that ended with: 1 inch = $5 million. Either that or this is a case that proves eating too much mayonnaise and soggy bread can destroy your ability to think beyond the level of a moron.

Text Only
Commentary
  • Trick or treating already? |So there I was, wheeling my cart merrily through the grocery store, whistling while I went on a search for enchilada sauce, when I rounded a turn at the end of an aisle and found myself face-to-face with … A wall of candy. Halloween candy. In Augu

    August 18, 2014

  • Trick or treating already? |So there I was, wheeling my cart merrily through the grocery store, whistling while I went on a search for enchilada sauce, when I rounded a turn at the end of an aisle and found myself face-to-face with … A wall of candy. Halloween candy. In Augu

    August 18, 2014

  • The Ferguson melodrama |Even if the police in Ferguson, Mo., are the brutal occupying force alleged by the protesters there, what do local shop owners have to do with it? In the wake of the police shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown in disputed circumstances, rioters bur

    August 18, 2014

  • The Ferguson melodrama |Even if the police in Ferguson, Mo., are the brutal occupying force alleged by the protesters there, what do local shop owners have to do with it? In the wake of the police shooting of 18-year-old Michael Brown in disputed circumstances, rioters bur

    August 18, 2014

  • Debate filled with 'hate' gives Hamas a pass |One of the worst things about our “divisive” political culture is that we’re wearing out words. We use some of them so constantly that they’ve lost their power. To paraphrase Nigel Tufnel of “This is Spinal Tap,” we’ve turned them up to 11 and kept

    August 18, 2014

  • The seven Facebook friends everyone has |Recently, I was told that I’m behind the times because I’m still on Facebook. Just five years ago, I was told I was behind the times because I wasn’t on Facebook. The new “it” social media apps are Instagram, Twitter and a thousand other apps that I

    August 14, 2014

  • A hell of a diplomatic foray |If an Israeli high-level official were caught on a hot mic candidly commenting on Secretary of State John Kerry's ill-fated act of Israel-Hamas peacemaking, he might call it "a hell of a diplomatic foray." Kerry was caught sarcastically describing t

    July 30, 2014

  • Adopting Indiana? Or a 'deadbeat parent'? This past week we’ve learned that the State of Indiana has essentially stiffed 1,400 families who have adopted special needs children. The subsidies they were promised to raise kids in the state’s foster child program have been denied, prompting one

    July 12, 2014

  • Chicago's shooting spree |For most of the country, July Fourth weekend means hot dogs, fireworks and relaxing time with family. In certain neighborhoods in Chicago, it means something very different. For the second year running, Chicago saw a spate of violence over the long

    July 10, 2014

  • Financial hardships mount for military families |Days before the July 4th holiday, Holly Petraeus stood on the steps of the imposing Indiana War Memorial, in front of a bank of cameras, and made a plea to military families: Don’t let pride stand in the way of asking for help. It was a striking mes

    July 7, 2014

House Ads
Hendricks County Marquee
Email News Sign Up
Facebook
Twitter Updates
Follow us on twitter
Poll

Are you worried about the violence in Ferguson, Mo., spreading across the country?

Yes
No
Not concerned one way or the other
     View Results
AP Video
US Mission to Rescue Hostages in Syria Failed Manfred, Torre and MLB Take Ice Bucket Challenge Bank of America Reaches Record $17B Settlement Holder Reassures Ferguson Community With Visit GlobalPost CEO Remembers Foley As a Brave Man Seth Meyers Rolls Out Emmy Red Carpet Obama: World Is Appalled by Murder of Journalist Israel, Militants Trade Fire After Talks Fail Pres. George W. Bush Takes Ice Bucket Challenge Pierce Brosnan's Call to Join the Expendables Changes Coming to No-Fly List Raw: IDF Footage Said to Show Airstrikes Police: Ferguson More Peaceful Raw: Aftermath of Airstrike in Gaza Raw: Thousands March on Pakistani Parliament Raw: World's Oldest Man Lives in Japan Fire Crews Tame Yosemite Fire Raw: Police Weapon Drawn Near Protesters, Media Raw: Explosions in Gaza As Airstrikes Resume Charter Schools Alter Post-Katrina Landscape
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Must Read