By Rebecca Todd
The Hendricks County Flyer
Fri Dec 21, 2012, 03:57 PM EST
If you're reading this, congratulations; you have survived the Mayan apocalypse. Well, at least the initial day. From here on out you can expect earthquakes, volcanoes, attacks by packs of wild dogs, hurricanes and tsunamis, not necessarily in that order.
Of course, you probably knew that since you probably had to dodge a volcano and fight a pack of wild dogs to get your hands on this newspaper, and you will probably have to burn it for heat immediately after reading it. But read it you must, as I am here to provide you with valuable survival tips.
Here's my first tip for you: run out into the street screaming and panicking. Yell, "The end is here! The end is here! Save yourself!" Go ahead. I'll wait while you finish step one. Come back when you're done.
There! Feel better? It's best to get that out of your system. I hope the wild dogs didn't get to you.
Now, wipe the ash and lava off and let's get down to business. First you need to take inventory. Go down into your bomb shelter or up to your safe room and we'll take a count of ...
What? You don't have a bomb shelter or safe room? Oh, dear. That does pose a problem. This could be tougher than I thought.
Okay, so no safe shelter. I don't mind telling you, I'm a little disappointed in you. But let's just move on to your food supply. I assume you have been hoarding canned goods and non-perishables over the past couple of years as the doomsday foretellers told you to, so let's start there and see how many ...
No? You haven't been hoarding in preparation for the apocalypse? You should be ashamed. And you will be in a couple of weeks when you are wrestling with wild dogs over the last Twinkie in Indiana just so you can feed your starving family. Of course, that was going to happen with or without the Mayan apocalypse, thanks to the recent Hostess apocalypse.
July 12, 2014
July 10, 2014
July 7, 2014
June 19, 2014
June 11, 2014
June 7, 2014
An NPR broadcast examines the question of how communities can better prepare for tornadoes like the one that struck Moore, Okla. on Monday. The broadcast features commentary from Michael Fitzgerald, who reported a five-part disaster series for the CNHI News Service.
May 22, 2013
Part I: Are We Prepared? | Part II: Disaster Dollars Part III: Lessons Learned | Part IV: Warning Signs Part V: The Big One
The good news is that after decades of furious growth, obesity rates finally seem to be leveling off in the U.S.. The bad news is that America's youth still appear to be dangerously unaware of the problem.
July 23, 2014
© 2014 Community Newspaper Holdings, Inc. ·
CNHI Classified Advertising Network ·
CNHI News Service
Associated Press content © 2014. All rights reserved. AP content may not be published,
broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Our site is powered by Zope. Some parts of our site may require
you to download the Flash Player Plugin.
Terms and Conditions
Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN
8109 Kingston St., Suite 500