Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

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December 21, 2012

The ultimate post-apocalyptic plan

If you're reading this, congratulations; you have survived the Mayan apocalypse. Well, at least the initial day. From here on out you can expect earthquakes, volcanoes, attacks by packs of wild dogs, hurricanes and tsunamis, not necessarily in that order.

Of course, you probably knew that since you probably had to dodge a volcano and fight a pack of wild dogs to get your hands on this newspaper, and you will probably have to burn it for heat immediately after reading it. But read it you must, as I am here to provide you with valuable survival tips.

Here's my first tip for you: run out into the street screaming and panicking. Yell, "The end is here! The end is here! Save yourself!" Go ahead. I'll wait while you finish step one. Come back when you're done.

There! Feel better? It's best to get that out of your system. I hope the wild dogs didn't get to you.

Now, wipe the ash and lava off and let's get down to business. First you need to take inventory. Go down into your bomb shelter or up to your safe room and we'll take a count of ...

What? You don't have a bomb shelter or safe room? Oh, dear. That does pose a problem. This could be tougher than I thought.

Okay, so no safe shelter. I don't mind telling you, I'm a little disappointed in you. But let's just move on to your food supply. I assume you have been hoarding canned goods and non-perishables over the past couple of years as the doomsday foretellers told you to, so let's start there and see how many ...

No? You haven't been hoarding in preparation for the apocalypse? You should be ashamed. And you will be in a couple of weeks when you are wrestling with wild dogs over the last Twinkie in Indiana just so you can feed your starving family. Of course, that was going to happen with or without the Mayan apocalypse, thanks to the recent Hostess apocalypse.

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