Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN


May 31, 2013

The hairier the better

Good news guys; full beards are in style, and just in time for the blistering heat of summer. Thanks to pop-culture and scraggily celebrities, a full face of hair is now a fashion trend.

It’s interesting to note that a recent study conducted by “Behavioral Ecology” found that the majority of women surveyed find men to be less attractive with a full beard. However, they also perceived bearded men as more powerful and deserving of respect than their clean-shaven counterparts.

I was not involved in the study. I have to admit, I don’t care for the facial hair and I don’t find hairy men powerful or in any way deserving of respect. I find them…well, hairy. Nevertheless, in honor of this new manly style, I give you the history of beards.

During the prehistoric didacticmezonineisoic era, men all sported beards for warmth, protection, storing leftovers, and so they could tell the men from the women because I have to tell you, prehistoric women — not attractive. Sadly, the women could often not tell the men from wooly mammoths, which made for some pretty awkward situations at cocktail parties.

Early Egyptians were not fans of the full beard and were the first to decide to shave most of that nasty stuff off and fashion it into weird, twisty goatees. This we know from drawings, statues, and bad movies. This style is rarely seen today, except when Johnny Depp is feeling frisky.

In colonial America, all the guys were manly, because there really wasn’t a place for metrosexual hipsters in that particular society. Oh sure, they may have been clean-shaven sporting tights and powdered wigs when they made the trek to the new world, but when they got here, they soon had to get down and dirty and get to work planting fields, killing turkeys and shooing Native Americans off their land. They didn’t have time for buckling shoes and man-scaping, so full beards were all the rage once again.

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