Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

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October 30, 2012

No longer shocked by celebrity sex tapes

Dear Celebrities who somehow believe you make our lives worth living, even though most of you have no discernible talent ... I have a request.

Would you please stop making sex tapes? We'd all be grateful. And by "we" I mean every single American who fires up his computer, opens a newspaper, or leafs through a magazine only to find that another of you has been stupid enough to record for posterity your expertise in doing the horizontal mambo.

You would think that people in your line of work, whatever that is, would have this figured out by now: There is no such thing as privacy anymore.

You do something dumb (see above under What Were You Thinking?) and there is a 100 percent chance it is going to be out of your control in a matter of days. Once that happens, it will be on the web in a matter of minutes.

Once there, it is going to be around the world in seconds. And it's only a matter of time before it will be beamed to all the other planets in the solar system as well.

I realize that being a celebrity involves a certain amount of attention-seeking. No, strike that. It is 100 percent attention-seeking.

Which puts you in much the same pursuit as various persons I have seen prowling downtown streets at night looking, no doubt, for rides to visit their sick grandmothers.

Even so, the kind of attention you get from these tapes - Hulk Hogan being the latest, and possibly grossest, example - does not seem to be entirely positive.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, if indeed you can think, that people like me are just awful prudes. To which I say, maybe.

Then again, maybe not. Personally, I believe that sex is a lot of things, most of them ranging from good to spectacular, and I intend to try it again one of these days very soon.

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