Hendricks County Flyer, Avon, IN

October 19, 2012

The weather can be a pain

By Rebecca Todd
CNHI

— My sinuses were clear this morning. That's one of my many weather indicators: clear sinuses in the morning = low humidity and cool temps. Also, it means my daughters are out of school and were not up early congealing the air with several bottles of perfume.

I've found that in my forties, it has become easier and easier to predict the weather. Oddly, the more infirmed I become, the more alert my body is to atmospheric pressures that were nothing more than numbers on the morning news in the past.

I know I didn't feel it in my teens, twenties or even thirties. My girls are completely oblivious to weather, for example.

"It's 30 degrees," I say. "Put on a coat and take off the flip-flops."

I am met with blank stares.

"We don't, like, go to school outside, Mom," they say.

How could I possibly argue with logic like that?

I do have to admit that in my advancing age, I find that I'm addicted to the morning news, and especially the weather forecast. But it's funny to me how young all the weather forecasters are. How would they know what the weather is going to be? All they know is what the radar says and what they learned in weather school where they found out about the various types of clouds (also taught in the third grade) and how to engage in witty banter with the traffic guy. Also, how to insure that their hair is perfectly coifed in any weather.

I've discovered that you cannot predict the weather accurately until your body has aged to the point that most everything you do, from starting the car in the morning to having a regular bowel movement, is directly related to the weather. Weather forecasters on the news should all be at least over 45 in order to insure accuracy.

The ultimate would be to have a 75-year-old man give the forecast, because not only have they reached the optimum age, they enjoy predicting the weather. It's practically what they live for. I know this because I worked as a waitress in a small town restaurant when I was in college and there was a table where, every morning, all the 75-year-old men for at least 226 miles around would show up just to sit at their favorite table, drink coffee, compare ailments, and predict the weather based on those ailments.

"My back is a throbbin'. It's gonna snow fer sure," says Earl.

"Gonna be a real nasty sum $%&*#, accordin' to my knees," says Zed.

I would bet money that Earl and Zed could more accurately predict the weather than the perfectly coifed Zack and Cody's that are today's weather predictors. In fact, I recommend the Weather Channel broadcast directly from a retirement home.

Right now it's time for the evening news, so I need to cut this short because I am addicted to it as well. I especially like to mock the weather people. The one I'm watching is probably in her early 30s and wrong, of course. It's not going to be clear and cool. My sciatica says it is clearly going to rain.

- Rebecca Todd is a freelance writer and the author of the book "What's the Point?" available at booklocker.com. Contact her at btodd@tds.net.